Joy cometh in the morning

Because that’s when you wake up and realize that the goof you were Googling last night likes to dress up as Captain Spaulding for Halloween, and you like to dress up as Holly Golightly. That he dumped the woman he’s marrying twice to date you. That you could truly not have more disparaging views on politics (although he does have a good stance on a woman’s right to choose). And that the time you spent with him was NOT the happiest time of your life. So maybe Google isn’t the enemy – it’s the swift kick in the ass that you need to laugh it off and thank your lucky stars for dodging that bullet.

– Finch

Quick thought: Don’t Google People

When it’s late at night, you’ve had a long, lazy weekend, and you’re feeling a little lonely, don’t google your exes. You will see things you don’t want to see – like wedding dates. And even though you’ve moved on, there will still be that selfish part of you that wants everyone else to put their life on hold until you are fabulously happy, so that their happiness will just be icing on the cake.

So, take it from me – Google is not your friend. It will not tell you things you want to hear. If it tells me next that Joshua Jackson is engaged to Diane Kruger, I’m bidding the Internet goodbye. Maybe.

– Finch

It’s just a crush…

I always hear people talk about how hard it is to have a crush. You long for someone, but can’t (for whatever reason) tell them how you feel. I get that, at least to a certain extent. However, I think a crush can be liberating, even fun.

I’ve known this guy for pretty much my entire life, and there has never been anything between us. Nada, nil, zip. I only see him every few years, and each time I think, “Yeah, he’s cute. Oh, is that food over there?!? See ya later!!” Plus, I cannot even begin to believe that this person sees me in any kind of romantic light. It’s just not like that.

Then, during the holidays last year, we saw each other for the first time in 3 years. And I was properly distracted by seeing and catching up with other friends, so when he exclaimed how great I looked, I simply smiled, said “Thanks,” and moved on down the receiving line. However, throughout the night, we kept talking and catching up and realizing that we had a lot of things in common. And there was this… energy between us. Yes, I was buzzed, and I’m sure he was too, but still. I couldn’t recall having felt like that in ages. Every time he looked at me, I just smiled. I wanted to be next to him all night. I could feel him watching me when I spoke to other people, and I was absolutely giddy when we got to spend a few minutes alone. Nothing happened, but still – it was intoxicating.

However, I left the next day, full of daydreams and little else, and it was fine. I got a couple of nice fantasies out of it, and then I moved on with my life without another thought. But then we saw each other again recently, and it was like we were instantly back in that moment.

I knew he was around, but I saw him unexpectedly, and when we caught each others’ eyes, his face just lit up. We were instantly in this little world all of our own, just chatting about inconsequential nonsense. This person has to be charming for a living (luckily, he’s very good at it), and I know a lot of it was just his nature, and you know what? That was okay. In fact, as we went on, I realized that I didn’t need him to be involved in my crush. This was about me, about how I felt. Someone close to me remarked later that I liked him because he was safe and comfortable. And my response was, “Duh!!” There are worse reasons for liking someone. And when you’re getting back out into the world, maybe crushing on someone who you feel safe and comfortable with, but with whom you know there is really no future, is a good idea. Maybe it’s about making yourself feel safe and comfortable with being out there again.

He left a few days later, and that was it. Nothing happened, no tabloid moments here. Last September, when I was going through my “Catcher Crisis,” Tripp told me to stop taking everything so seriously and to just have fun. I remember yelling, “Who the hell is having fun?!? I’m not having fun! THIS IS NOT FUN!!” But you know, I have to say, these last few visits with my guy? They’ve been, well… fun.

– Finch

At least it wasn’t me

Back in January, I wrote about this really nice date I went on, with someone who totally got where I was at that moment (I think we’re always in the fitting room). This guy and I texted after our date, then a few days later I hit him up, asking if he wanted to get together for another happy hour. He was down with that, and so I asked where he would like to go. I never heard back from him. I wasn’t sure where I had gone wrong, whether asking where to meet up for a drink is too pushy or not, but I didn’t let it phase me. I had been pretty sure that this guy was not a great match for me, but might have been a good friend. I chalked it up to the game and moved on.

So, last week, Bunny and I were on our weekly walk, and she was telling me about one of her closest friends who had recently broken up with someone who she had been dating for over four years, and how hard it was for her. She said the guy’s name, and I literally laughed out loud. This guy has a VERY distinctive name, and when I paired it with his equally unique last name, Bunny stopped dead in her tracks. “How in the hell do you know _______?”

“We went on a date back in January. I know all about the trip to Rio, his job, his mom’s name, what she does for a living… I could write a book about everything he told me about himself.”

“I don’t think that he and ______ were officially broken up by then. She is going to be so pissed. And he’s not even your type!!”

“I KNOW!!!! But I was trying to date outside of my type, and he seemed very sweet.”

As we continued to discuss everything, my first thought was, of course, “that poor girl. I cannot believe that he stepped out on her when they’d been together for over four years. That is so horrid.”

My IMMEDIATE next thought was, “Oh thank God it wasn’t anything to do with me.” Because while not hearing back hadn’t phased me, it had given me a second’s doubt about myself – had he not called back because he wasn’t attracted to me? Or did he not think I was as awesome as I obviously am? No – he was a guy who was dating someone else, or had split up with that person within the past week, and was just trying to get out and have some fun. Which is all well and good, but I’m not the rebound girl – move along.

And it made me wonder about some of the other guys who I had dated and had not heard back from. What had actually been their situation? Were there some girlfriends waiting up at home, thinking their guys were out having a drink with some buddies? Had they just ended some long-term relationship that they hadn’t even begun to process? Were the trying to convince themselves that they should be out dating when they weren’t really ready?

The truth is, we don’t really know people as well as we think we do. We figure that since we can Google or Facebook someone, that we’re as close to them as their family, and in reality, any of the information can be faked, or tailored to suit whatever story that person wants to tell.

When I told this story to K, she laughed out loud when I told her what me second thought had been. “Girl, that would have been any woman’s response!!!” There is some truth in that!

– Finch

I had noticed that her voice was a little husky…

This is a story from 3M. 3M is My Music Man (and also his name starts with M). He lives upstairs, and is a thoroughly decent and great guy. We share dating stories with each other, laugh over the ridiculousness that is other people, and generally commiserate each others’ experiences.

A couple of weeks ago, 3M had stopped by my apartment to check in and thank me for inviting him to my Spring Fling. We were chatting, and he asked if I had had any experience with OKcupid. I told him that I had, that it was bad, and that after my last date from there (Mmm mmm bad) ended so horribly, I had immediately deleted my account. 3M told me that he had just gotten on there, had set up his profile, and was already talking to a couple of interesting women (interesting, as in they had potential, not interesting as in, they’re weird). We talked about how funny some peoples’ pictures were, how strange it was that people would contact you and then not respond when you wrote them back, and just the absolute silliness of dating in this day and age. 3M let me know that he did have a date that upcoming Saturday with a woman down in Wimberley who seemed exciting. I was over the moon for him, wished him luck, and asked him to let me know how it went.

I doubt that 3M would be upset with me if I told you that I laughed through his entire story. 3M went down to Wimberley (a lovely little town, if you’ve never been), found the meet-up location, and looked for his date. As he searched the faces, he was a little surprised when he realized that the woman he was meeting… wasn’t a woman. Or at least, had not always been a woman. As he sat down to join her for a drink, she told him that she was a post-op transsexual. As in, she used to be a man, and no longer was. As 3M is telling me this, he commented that even if she hadn’t told him, he would have been able to tell. “Her hands were pretty masculine, and I had noticed on the phone that her voice was a little husky.” I could not stop laughing. I asked him if she had identified herself as a woman or as a transsexual on OKcupid (I don’t remember, but I think there was a way to let the world know exactly what your sexual identity was). He said that, no, she had said that she was a woman. But this wasn’t even the worst part.

The woman, withing a half hour of 3M sitting down, invited him back to her place to “get into bed,” but warned 3M that her lady parts were a little tight, since they were, after all, artificial. 3M informed her that he would not be going there, to her house, bedroom, or lady parts. That pretty much wrapped up the date.

3M let me know that he had had another date where the woman (and it was actually a woman) showed up with a colostomy bag, full of drainage, which was placed on the table. As I almost snorted because I was laughing so hard, I asked if this woman had let him know before hand that she would be showing up with this… extra hanging around. No, 3M replied, he was just as surprised with her as with the Wimberley woman.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that we have to disclose every single thing about ourselves within the first 30 minutes of meeting someone, nor do we have to put our business out for the entire world to see. But maybe, just maybe, letting someone know that you were once a man and are now a woman (or vice versa) before the first date, is not completely out of line. Unless, of course, you have a husky voice that gives you away!

– Finch