You ever have those conversations where someone tells you something that you’ve heard a hundred times from a variety of other sources, but for some reason, it just clicks this time?
Yesterday, I was on a walk with Bunny, an old friend who just recently resurfaced. I’ll detail all of that later. For now… So we were coming to the end of the walk, and I had been telling her how I had had this urge to contact Tripp. Now, Tripp and I haven’t spoken in over two and a half months, and there isn’t even anything I need to say to him, but I just felt this pull to send him a quirky text or email. I didn’t act on it, but I felt the need to tell someone, like going to confession (something I know absolutely nothing about). And when I finished, Bunny looked at me with this wry expression on her face, and said, “I think you should just get over that. You’re holding onto something which has been over for years, and I think it’s holding you back from more important relationships.”
And I know it sounds trite, but, just like that, I felt over it. Seriously – ten years after we broke up, ten years of holding out hope, of waiting for him to come back – gone. I truly just felt like I did not care anymore. And not in some negative, “of course I don’t care about that loser” way. But in a very light-hearted, “I hope he has everything he could possibly want or need from life” way. I literally felt like it was off my chest and had dissipated into nothingness. I’m not saying that I won’t ever think of him, or that he has been wiped from my memory forever. But, I feel that for the first time, I can think about him and not feel as if my heart were going to explode.
I think sometimes we hold onto things long after we need them because we’re scared to move on to something new. “The devil you know is better than the one you don’t,” right? But I don’t think that I need to hold onto that devil anymore. I have angels in my future.
p.s. And a note to my mom – yes, I know you said it first, and loudest, and longest. I’m sorry, you’re right, and I love you!