What defines “settling”?

I think I heard in a movie once, or read in a book, that you should marry someone who loves you more than you love them. The idea being that they will always adore you, and that you don’t have to worry about them leaving. But if I had someone who loved me considerably more than I loved them, I think that I would be afraid that I would one day meet someone that I loved that much, and then I would leave the marriage, causing massive heartbreak and hurt.

A couple of my girls have recently been talking about having these feelings. M has been seeing this one guy, BA, for about six months. And we were talking about where things were going with them when she said this: “I feel like he satisfies 60% of what I want. I mean, he’s nice, he’s a perfect gentleman, we have a good time together, both in and out of the bedroom. And 60% is good, right? I mean no one ever has 100% satisfaction.” I don’t know that no one ever has 100% satisfaction, but I do think that 60% is a little low. I read once that 80% is the magic percentage. If you find someone who fulfills 80% of what you want, then that is good enough. But which 80%? If I had ten traits that my guy absolutely had to have, I think some of those traits would be rated higher than others. For instance, it is incredibly important to me that my guy have a job and that he’s able to support himself. But it is also important to me that he doesn’t interrupt me while I’m talking, as this is a huge pet peeve. Do these two things get weighted the same? If they’re each worth ten percent overall, could I do without one?

It seems that several of the people in my life are in this mode where they are trying to talk themselves into feeling something more. Is it wrong for me to want to meet someone and not have to talk myself into liking or loving them? I’m not asking that it be instantaneous – with both Tripp and Ex, it took a little time for me to fall in love. But once I did, especially with Tripp, I knew it in every cell of my body – I was hooked. If I had been with someone for six months or more and I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, or for a sign that I was supposed to be with them, then I think I would get scared that I was trying to force something that wasn’t really there.

Plus, I’m a girl who likes a little bit of a cushion. I want someone to love at least 90% of my traits/personality. That way, if I piss them off, I have a little bit of a buffer before we start getting too close to the magical 80%. It just makes good numbers sense!

– Finch

2 thoughts on “What defines “settling”?

    • I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve done that. And the worst one are when you go in knowing you’re settling, but then you convince yourself that you need this person. I always hate myself after that.


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