Mr. Creepy and Bait & Switch – My experiences with eHarmony

As I mentioned previously, I recently joined eHarmony. I decided that it was time to go after a higher caliber of person, someone who was also looking for love as opposed to a roll in the hay (which is all well and good, but not what I’m going for long-term). I quickly found many eligible suitors, and less than five days after I had joined the site, I had my first date. And since it started off with him being creepy, let’s just bestow that moniker now – Mr. Creepy.

I met up with Mr. Creepy after work over at Austin Java. I was a few minutes late (in reality, I was planning on bailing, but then I felt bad about standing him up, so I drove back downtown to meet up). When I got there, he stood up and gave me perhaps the creepiest first hug ever. It was one of those where he was holding me, and I actually kind of patted his back, like “okay, you can let go now.” Let me just say too, we hadn’t really talked much before we met. We went through the basics on eHarmony, and then on the first email, he asked me out, so there really wasn’t any conversation before hand to establish a rapport or flirtation. We went inside to grab a drink, and I offered to pay since I had been late. He didn’t acknowledge it at all (at least not until after the date), and then he ordered a $6 smoothie! And seriously, a smoothie? He had stated on his age that he drank socially, and I had ordered a beer. If you don’t want something alcoholic, that’s fine, but get a tea or an Arnold Palmer – a smoothie is just a little too weird for me. Anyway, we go back to sit at the table and wait for our drinks (also, you never have to wait when you order a beer. A smoothie though, you have to wait for that.) So we begin talking, and it is pretty obvious pretty quickly that there is no chemistry here. Or, at least, that’s what I thought was obvious. Clearly he missed the memo, because he kept holding my hand, and even when I would pull it away, he would wait perhaps 90 seconds before he would reach for it again. Finally, citing errands, I made my escape, but not before he planted two of the creepiest, soft-mouthed kisses ever. Less than 30 minutes after I had left, and a mere five minutes after I had made it home, there was a message waiting for me – “I had such a great time. Thanks for the smoothie. Let’s do that again soon.” Um, no – you had tiny hands, you moved way too quickly, and you were just creepy. Pass.

With Bait & Switch, I was really excited to meet him. Unlike Mr. Creepy, Bait & Switch and I had been talking online for several days, and had even had a 40 minute long phone conversation. We had tons in common, he repeatedly told me how awesome he thought I was (showing that he had good taste), and I really liked a lot of the details I was learning. In fact, after our first phone conversation, I actually called M and told her to mark the time and date, because I was pretty sure that I had just talked to my future husband. So we met up over at Cenote the night after I met Mr. Creepy. We had seen pictures on the site (he was VERY cute), but, as I got there first, I sent him a text telling him that I was in the back wearing my sunglasses on my head. Please imagine my surprise when a guy who bears little, if any, resemblance to the pictures on the site shows up and sits down. I almost told him, “I’m sorry, I’m waiting for someone,” thinking that this was some random guy. NOPE! It was Bait & Switch. The guy in real life looked about 40 pounds thinner (and not in a good way), had some crazy teeth, his hair was completely different, and even the shape of his head was not the same. I am not joking, I seriously think that the picture was of his brother – certainly related, but no way is that the same guy. Okay, I tried to look past the physical, since we did have all of these other thing sin common. But the conversation just wasn’t really flowing, and I wasn’t really feeling much. So then this happened – we were discussing Star Wars, and he kind of laughed, and said, “It is so cool that you like Star Wars. My ex was the complete opposite. She was such a spiteful bitch, she would never watch the movies with me.” Um, okay… Look, I recognize that Ex and I had one of the more amicable divorces that exist, and I also recognize that divorce can be a wretched, horrid thing to go through. But I’ve known you for approximately 30 minutes in real life, and less than a week by any definition, so I don’t really think you need to unload your hostility about your ex right now. If that had been all he said, I still would have been a bit offended, but I would’ve let it go. But no, he kept up his tirade throughout the rest of our date, at various interludes. That, coupled with his obvious use of either a super old picture, or a snapshot of someone else, completely soured me on him.

Just in talking to a lot of people about their eHarmony experiences, it seems that there are many people on the site who are jaded or cynical, who have tried everything else, and this is their last resort, so they’re pretty sour about it. If that’s the case, I’ll just bow out now. There’s no way that this is my last chance at happiness and I am not that desperate for companionship. These guys can keep each other!

– Finch

I’m sort of the opposite of a serial-monogamist

Another Sunday, another OKcupid date. This one didn’t leave me wanting to dig my eyes out with a sharp stick, although I did go home and pass out for two hours. Let me explain…

We met up at two, but the bar he had picked was closed. We convened at another bar, got some drinks, and proceeded to start talking. We actually had a lot of fun. So much fun, in fact, that I had four beers on an empty stomach (I wanted to look extra thin for the date – no judging!!), all in the course of about two and a half hours. I literally lost track of the time. When I got back to my car and saw that it was 5 (and I had previously told this guy that I had other plans at 6), I was shocked. I had not thought that we had hung out that long. So yes, I stopped at Maudie’s, got some insanely good breakfast tacos, and then went home and passed out until about 8. I’m too old for this!

The date was certainly fun, and even if I never hear from him again, he gave me a great piece of information. We were talking about our past OKC experiences, and he said, “I’m sort of the opposite of a serial-monogamist. You know, so many of my friends can’t go five minutes without dating someone, but I’ve only had one serious relationship in my adult life. The rest of the time, I date a little here and there, but mostly, I’m happier when I’m single.” PEOPLE! This is literally me!!! I’ve only had one serious relationship in my adult life (okay, or maybe two – Tripp and Ex). I will date for a couple of months here and there and then be single for a year or more. I stated all of this to him, and told him, “I thought I was the only one.” He replied that nope, there were plenty of us out there.

And here’s why that is so important to me. I live under a constant fear that I will never be with anyone ever again, that I will never fall in love again, and that there is something seriously wrong with me because I don’t constantly have a boyfriend. However, this guy gave me this nugget of truth that I am not terminally unique, and that it is perfectly normal to find more happiness and contentment in your own company rather than in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I love being unique and one of a kind, but it truly sways my fears to know that there are other people out there like me in this regard.

As for the guy himself – I don’t know. That’s not true – I do know, but it’s a scary feeling. He was cute, incredibly smart, had similar interests, and was really great. But I just can’t picture anything with him. Okay, yes, I can picture some drunken sex with him, but that’s not exactly the basis of a relationship. I think there’s someone out there who is a better fit, and it will be difficult to find him if I spend my time with someone I’m not crazy about (and sure, feelings could grow, but there are other factors there that I don’t want to get into of why I won’t be pursuing this). So, my Sunday Date, thank you for a lovely time, and showing me that four beers is way past my limit when I haven’t eaten anything, but most especially for showing me that I am not damaged and that there is hope for me yet.

– Finch

I’m not really into the whole materialism thing

I had a date this past Sunday, and there was just no connection whatsoever. And y’all know my policy – as long as the guy didn’t do anything out of line, I’m not going to blast a guy for just appreciating different things/ideals from me. However, he did make several comments that I feel need to be addressed to the dating world at large. I realize that online dating directly leads to a lot of snap judgments – “Oh, not that cute, I’m passing,” “Doesn’t like dogs, can’t have that,” “Likes Miley Cyrus, oh hell no!” However, I think that there are some snap judgments which need to be evaluated a bit further before basing an opinion on them.

Sunday’s guy (I’m not even giving him a nickname) made several comments about driving an older car, thrift store shopping, and the like. Then, at one point, he literally said, “I’m not really into the whole materialism thing.” Okay, first off, you’re not The Dude (bonus points if you’re catching my reference). Second off, I was not at the date dripping in diamonds or Louis Vuitton. I was dressed perfectly normally – jeans, sweater, leather jacket. Finally, I was not spouting off about having bought a new car last year or a buying my condo. So I wasn’t really sure where he was getting this whole “materialism” vibe from, or what he was trying to tell me.

But here’s the thing – who cares if I am materialistic?? I make good money, and if I choose to spend a portion of that money buying myself diamond earrings rather than investing in microloans, so be it. I will say, this guy had a good job, so maybe he had been taken to town by several gals looking for a sugar daddy. However, I am not one of those women. No one else pays my bills – if I feel like shopping every week at Whole Foods, I’m not going to ask for help with the grocery bill, and if I decide to hit the Outlet Malls every weekend, you won’t find my credit card statements on your doorstep. So, even though there really wasn’t a connection to be ruined, because this guy had made some sort of snap judgment about me, he really lessened any chance he might have had.

I’m perfectly fine with someone expressing their values on a date; that’s kind of what we’re there for. However, when you repeat the same sentiment in several different ways in a one hour time frame, I’m going to assume that you’re trying to send a message. I would just ask that you ensure that your message is properly suited to the recipient.

– Finch

And this is why you do not put your picture on Craigslist ads

On Election Night 2012, I had a one-off date with a guy I had met on OKCupid. In fact, he was the first guy that I had a date with from that site. We met up at the Driskill for the Democrat Election Viewing Party. It was a perfect setup for me – I was already going to be there with some friends, they serve plenty of liquor (which you definitely need on Election Night), and it was a comfortable crowd (at least for me). We’ll call this guy Grey, which will make SO much sense later on.

So Grey met up with me around 8:30 that night. He hung out until 10, met my friends, we had what I thought was a lovely time. I walked him out and he asked if he could see me that weekend. I said sure, we talked about getting together Sunday, and I went back inside to totally be the first person in the room who noticed when the electoral count changed on the television and scream, “Oh my God, we won!!!!!!!!!!!!” I literally could not speak the next day at work. And even though Election Day is on a Tuesday, and Grey and I had set Sunday as our rendezvous day, I still expected to hear something from him – like, “Man, I left too soon!” or “Hope you were happy with the election (and the date)!” But no, nothing. Never heard from him again. In fact, he became part of a trifecta of guys who I had had amazing dates with shortly after my divorce and never heard from again.

Flash forward about 15 months. I was playing on Craigslist this weekend, because, why not? I love checking out the different ads that people post. Guys, when posting under “Missed Connections” – it’s really creepy if you repeatedly post the same thing every single day, especially if it is about someone you work with or live near. To the guy here in Austin who has a not-so-secret crush on the girl who lives downstairs from him at the Rolling River apartments – I’m sure she knows, and she is trying to break her lease at this exact moment. Man up and talk to her, but you have posted the same exact Missed Connection every day for the past three weeks. It’s just sad. So anyway – I was scrolling through the “Men for Women” posts, and I came across the title “Do you want to explore your submissive side??” Now, I’m not sure that I have a submissive side, but I’ve read Fifty Shades of Grey (although not the sequels), and I’ll admit, it’s pretty hot. So I open it and OMG!!! It’s Grey from Election Night. Like, no way is this someone who just looks like him, or maybe I’m misremembering him. No, this is without a shadow of a doubt the guy that I had a date with the night that President Obama was reelected. He even states that he lives on the south side of town (which Grey told me that night that he did) and he goes in to EXPLICIT detail about what a relationship exploring my submissive side would look like. Apparently he has been doing the dom/sub thing for quite a long time. And that maybe could have been hot, but I kept thinking, “I know this guy! He seemed kind of boring!! He’s seriously into this stuff???”

Granted, it’s been over a year, but when we met up, he told me that he worked in the downtown area, somewhat near my current office. If I see him in person, I don’t know that I will be able to keep from laughing out loud. I certainly won’t be able to look him in the eye.

And maybe he never called me back because he realized that I’m not exactly the “taking orders” type.

– Finch

Go Speed Racer

This is exactly the opposite of what I was describing that I wanted in my previous post. I got a message late last night from this guy on OKcupid. He said that my profile made him smile and that I was “completely adorable” (it’s true – I am). I checked out his profile, liked what I saw and messaged back. Now, I will just say, I am really good at the dating site messages. I reference at least one or two things I see in the guy’s profile, and I either hint at a story that I think they’ll like, or I ask leading questions based off of their interests. I’m a pro. So I did the same for this guy – Speed Racer.

I get a response seven minutes later saying, “Do you like to text?” Um, we’ve literally exchanged one message each. I’m not really comfortable 1) with giving you my number, and 2) with allowing a complete stranger to have that kind of immediate access to my time. Don’t get me wrong, I text with lots of people, but it’s not my favorite thing in the world. I think texting should be relegated to small pieces of important information – “I’m on my way,” “Can you talk?” “Do you want me to pick up something for dinner?” – or for when you are unable to talk (like when you’re at work). But I really dislike having complete conversations with people through text. If you want to talk to me, pick up the phone and call me. Which brings me back to this – Speed Racer and I have exchanged one message online, so what would we be texting about?

I replied that I only texted when I couldn’t avoid it. Again, he responded immediately (under two minutes) and said, “Then how are we going to talk and flirt?” Um, dude?? You see how we’re messaging each other right freaking now?? We can continue to do that. I actually didn’t respond for a couple of hours (I was running errands) and when I did, I said, “You can’t talk and flirt through OKC’s message system?” He responded before I could even get off the site to say that yes he could, but it was a little slower than he preferred.

And that’s where I stopped talking to him. I have no idea if this guy is a psycho or is in massive need of therapy or is just desperately lonely, but you have been monitoring your email/messages so closely that you haven’t even gone a quarter of an hour before responding to me, even when I have taken a few hours’ break, and that is moving too slow? Were you expecting to propose on our third date? Sorry, been there, done that 😉

I get that a lot of people get frustrated with online dating and how you can email with someone for weeks and then everything just falls apart and you never meet, and you feel like you wasted all that time. I totally understand that. In fact, at the beginning of October, I was messaging with this guy on OKC (yes, while I was dating Jay), and we messaged back and forth for probably three weeks. But we could never get our schedules to match up, and neither one of us was really putting any effort into meeting up, so I finally just drifted off into oblivion. But I don’t think that the logical response to that is to speed everything up at a ridiculous pace. I don’t think I would give someone my number after just two minutes of talking to them, which is essentially what Speed Racer’s and my messages accounted for.

The only responses that I could think of to Speed Racer’s comment that OKC was too slow were all snarky and/or sarcastic, and not in a cute way. I actually don’t think that I will be responding at all. Speed Racer seems like a nice enough guy, but all I want in my life right now is to slow down. I don’t think I’m up to Speed Racer’s speed.

– Finch

If I was a guy, we wouldn’t be having this conversation

I spent this past weekend in Chicago with my awesome pseudo-cousin, J-Mac (I have a lot of “J”s in my life, deal with it). I hadn’t been back to Chicago since Ex’s and my honeymoon, so it’s been more than a few years, and I needed some new memories of my favorite city. I spent the first day and a half walking around to my favorite spots, shopping, eating, and then J-Mac got there, and we got down to business.

J-Mac was one of my bridesmaids, and that was the last time I saw her, although we have spoken quite a bit since then. But still – we had tons to catch up on. She filled me in on her dating stats, I gave her the lowdown on Jay’s annoyingness, it was great. But at one point, I started feeling kind of guilty. I told J-Mac that I felt almost like I had been using Jay for sex. From the beginning, I hadn’t really been that into him, I wasn’t over-the-moon attracted to him, and we didn’t talk that much. But the sex was amazing and I hadn’t had any for so long that I was like a fiend getting my fix. I kept this dialogue up for long enough that J-Mac turned to me at one point and said, “So what if you were using him for sex?” She left it just like that, and I started pondering this. Was it really such a bad thing? I mean, I hadn’t led him on to thinking that I was more into him than I was, and aren’t a lot of relationships based on sex? That’s when I said it.

“If I was a guy, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I would’ve just said, ‘Yeah, that was hot, sex was good, but I’m moving on.’ And while I don’t want to be the equivalent of a misogynistic pig, I don’t think there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about saying that I like sex, and that while this guy was great for sex, he wasn’t really good for anything else.”

And it’s true – sex is a totally normal, valid form of physical contact, and as long as all parties are consenting adults, than why would it be weird to see someone just for the sex? Again, you’re not leading this person on, you’re not promising things that you have no intention of following through on – you’re just having some laughs and lots of mind-blowing sex. I don’t see anything immoral or unethical about that.

J-Mac just looked at me and smiled and gave me a hug. “I knew you’d get there eventually.” I love that girl. She knows her stuff.

– Finch