So that’s a date…

After Friday’s oral adventures, I was a little hesitant about what was going to happen with Dan next. He and I were supposed to get together on Monday, and after texting a bit, we decided to hang out at my place. However, I was freaking out about having Dan in my apartment, wondering how he would act with my pup, whether it would be awkward (generally, freaking out in a very Finch-like manner). Thank all the heavans, he had to work late, and we decided that it would be easier to meet up at his place.

So I made the long trek up north, got there, and… got a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Wait, what?? You’re not pushing me against the wall? Are you mad at me?? We sit on the couch, we chat, we talk dinner options (he had offered to cook for me or take me out since I had made the drive over to his place). He decided on this (awesome) little Italian place which had some of the best Neopalitan pizza I’ve had in ages. When we got there, we sat and… talked. You know, like about our days, and what we had done over the weekend. And he was telling me about heading over to the lake with some friends, and that we should go there together sometime. It was all so normal, and easy. I was seriously waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Then we went back to his place, so here’s where I’m expecting the physical stuff to begin. Except, no, we started watching The Avengers, and we just sat there on the couch. Now, let me be clear – he had his hand on my leg, and I was leaning against him, and halfway through the movie, I laid down and he put my legs in his lap (where it was clearly obvious that he was in an excited state), and he kept rubbing my legs, but other than that, nothing. This was so far outside of my realm of understanding, I fianlly had to say something. We were near the end of the film, when I asked, “So are you practicing to be a saint?”
“Well, I haven’t even gotten a kiss from you tongiht. Did you get your fill of me last week?” For those of you who are rolling your eyes at my stupidity, please understand that I said this with a smile and a teasing tone.
“Shut your mouth. You know better than that.” With that he kissed me. “I’m just trying to show you that I’m not all about the sex.”

I laughed, kissed him again, said okay, and we finished the movie. After the film, we sat there for a little while, kissing so lightly – they were probably some of the sweetest kisses I’ve ever experienced. Then I said I needed to head home, and he walked me to my car, again kissing me so sweetly that it was intoxicating.

My experiences in dating have either been guys that I was friends with for months first, so the only thing that changed was the physical aspect, or guys that I just slept with. Going on a full-on dinner and a movie date with someone is so outside of my wheelhouse that I almost don’t know how to react. For those of you who this is your normal dating routine – I better not ever hear any whining out of you. You are lucky beyond belief. Then again, I seem to be having pretty good luck right now too.

– Finch

They’re supposed to happen organically

I was celebrating my 4th in classic girl style (sunbathing) and texting with Dan when it finally came – the invite over to “hang out.” Now this would only be our second time seeing each other, and I was not about to jump into bed with him, but I am also not an idiot (or a nun). There was going to be some action. I ran home, showered the smell of pool off of me, and headed over.

Yes, he was still as cute (if not cuter) than I remembered. Yes, the heat and the chemistry were still very much there. He met me at the car, we kissed, we went inside, and there was an incredibly hot make-out session up against a wall, with my leg wrapped around his waist and all kinds of groping. When we finally came up for air, I gently pushed him back. “Yeah, we’re doing a great job of behaving ourselves.” He laughed, took my hand and led me to the couch, where we sat and talked for a little while. It was great – comfortable, easy, fun. Then, in a classic guy move, he began to tickle me, which turned into more making out, which turned into some serious heavy petting on his part, and made me an incredibly happy woman (twice)!

But then he lost points. It would have been impossible to not tell that he was excited, and I had already begun to think about how I would help him out in that department, when he said, “You know, I can’t stop thinking about you being on your knees.”
“Do you want to see if the expectation matches the reality?”

So, I went down, and he was a happy man, and that was all well and good. But for some reason, something kept bugging me the rest of the day. Let me qualify – it’s not as if I went down and then he kicked me out; nothing like that. I hung out for a further two hours, we watched Jeopardy (I won), we chatted, we cuddled… But there was an awkwardness in the air. It was not until a few hours later when hanging out with B that I was able to put my finger on it.

In the midst of retelling my story (yes, girls tell each other everything), it suddenly dawned on me. “You’re not supposed to ask someone for a blowjob! They’re supposed to happen organically!” B wholeheartedly agreed, and we continued to dissect the afternoon’s activities.

Let me say, I’m not saying that one can never ask for a sexual favor. However, I do feel that maybe you should be in a more established relationship before you get to that point, and maybe there is a better time and place for it than when and where Dan asked me. Because wouldn’t we have both been happier if it had happened organically? He wouldn’t have felt like it had to be requested, and I wouldn’t have felt like he was rushing me to do something which I was maybe not yet ready for. I also don’t think that sex should have negative emotions surrounding it – it should be be something which feels good and right, and once you start coloring it with guilt, regret and other negativity, it ceases to become quite as fun.

We’ve talked several times since then, and we’re meeting up in a couple of days, so we’ll see what happens. I actually have a date (today!) with someone else from OKC, so who knows how this will all end up. I won’t say that it’s been nothing but angels and hearts, but this is definitely a lot more fun than I’ve had in years!

– Finch


In the middle of my Dan-induced happy phase, I had a date, which had already been scheduled, and which I definitely did not want to bail on. This guy is 6’4″, looks very similar to Tripp, and seemed to have the same sense of humor (are you already sensing where I’m going with this?)

We’re going to call him Dante, if, for no other reason, than he was as good as me at quoting every single Kevin Smith movie (well, the good ones, anyway). Dante showed up at the bar where we were meeting, and there was an instantaneous lack of sexual chemistry. Not that I was disgusted by this guy, not at all. But there was no desire whatsoever to kiss him or do anything more. I didn’t even care if I was attractive to him, which I think made for even more fun on both of our parts.

We started drinking – we’re both exploring the world of beer right now, so we had fun exchanging notes, trying each others’ choices, and discussing pros and cons of beer vs. liquor. I actually don’t remember how we got onto the subject, but at one point, he brought up Mallrats, and from that point, it was on.

I truly think we spent the next two hours speaking in almost nothing but movie quotes. We relayed how different movies had affected our lives (Chasing Amy very much formed a large part of high school for me), we discussed future Kevin Smith projects, and then… we branched out to Star Wars.

Now, from a conversational point of view, I was having one of the best dates of my life. There was not a single awkward pause, there was instant understanding on anything we said, there was definite respect on both of our parts for the other’s knowledge and intelligence. But still… no sexual chemistry.

R asked me back in September why I kept talking to Tripp after everything which had happened between us, and I responded that when we weren’t screwing everything up by bring sex or love into the equation, he was one of my dearest friends. Tripp has been there for me in some of the darkest times in my life, and he has been there without judgement. When I missed Tripp, I didn’t miss the time we had spent dating – that was ten + years ago, and I had been 20 then. I’ve grown in my desires and my expectations since then. What I missed was our friendship, the instant understanding, the perfect meeting of minds. And it seemed that I had found that in Dante.

We both had friends coming into town for the 4th, so we decided to meet up again the next week. Here’s the thing – I don’t know how to have the conversation that I want him to be my friend, and only my friend. I mean, we met on a dating website. If we had just met in person, then I think it would have been easier to segue into that. Either way, the next guy who goes on a first date with me has some very large shoes to fill!

– Finch

And sometimes they surprise you…

A few days after my exquisite date with Dan, and following many text conversations, I began to wonder if I had done the right thing. I was looking for something more than a sexual relationship, and perhaps by going as far as I did that night I gave him the wrong impression.

Now trust me, this was not some random thought which just popped into my head. We had been texting about some different sexual situations and what we would do in them, so there was fuel for the fire. In the past, I would have had no problem turning into the Ice Queen and freezing him out – complete disappearing act. However, after the craziness which I felt when Catcher did that to me, I decided not to give karma a reason to smack me upside the head.

I sent Dan a message through OKC, telling him that I was so sorry for having given the wrong impression of what I was after, that I was looking for something more than just sex, and that I needed to walk away now. But I did thank him for a lovely time, and relayed that I had obviously enjoyed myself with him.

Now, after that kind of message, the response I expected was something akin to “Fine, you’re nothing but a tease, and I don’t want you anyway.” So when I saw his response pop into my inbox 20 minutes later, I was braced for utter disappointment. Instead, this is what I got:

“I am so sorry that I gave that impression. I actually feel sick reading this. I do not want something based solely on sex. I can see that we went down a sexual path too soon, but that was due to sheer excitement. If we were able to better control ourselves, would you reconsider? I have greatly enjoyed our conversations, and I think you are totally worth it, and I don’t want to lose someone so perfectly amazing. Please let me know what you think.” (and yes, that is directly quoted)

To say that I found myself in a state of shock would be putting it mildly. I would never, never, have expected that response, and I was absolutely overjoyed with it. I messaged him back, we started texting again, we saw each other a few days later (that is a whole other story!), and it’s been like a fairytale ever since.

I think that we get so used to disappointing situations that we begin to expect them to be the norm, and it becomes more and more difficult to recognize good when it is right in front of us. Now I’m not saying that this guy is a prince, or anything like that. There are already reasons why I won’t be spending the rest of my life with him. But it gives me hope to see that there are still good guys out there, guys who possess kind hearts and sexual attraction in equal measure. Someone very close to me always says, “Life is too short to not be adored.” I gotta tell you, after a week of being adored, I could get used to this!

– Finch