Be careful what you wish for…

I just finished reading Eat Pray Love, and I was feeling very magnanimous and open with the world. So as I was trying to meditate the next morning (rather than getting dressed and ready for work), I decided that I needed, as Liz did in the book, to formally let go of Ex and Tripp. Yes, I realize that divorcing Ex was a pretty clear way of letting him go, but still – I wanted to do it spiritually as well as legally. I said “Tripp. Ex. I release you both from my life, from my heart and from my soul. I pray with all of my heart that you find happiness and that you you heal from any wounds I may have caused, accidentally or intentionally. Please go forth from my life and be happy.”

You know what really sucks about letting go? You are now thinking about this person. I had laughed about it just a month ago – why was I so caught up in Tripp getting engaged when we’ve been broken up for ten years, and I didn’t really think twice about Ex, even though we were marries for four years, and it had been only six months since our divorce. The very next night, I got the bright idea to text Ex. Because I missed him. Because I had “let him go” and put thought towards him.

So we start talking, and we’re having a fine conversation, and I’m telling Ex about this blog when…

“Would you be alright if I went out on a date?”
“Well… yeah. We’re divorced, you don’t really need my permission.”
“And we can still be friends?”
“Nope. You’re dating now, I hate you, there is no way we can be friends.” I was only half joking.

In reality, I wanted Ex to feel every last bit of pain and remorse that I went through; I wanted Ex to go through every second of heartache. You remember that movie Twister? When Helen Hunt and her aunt are upstairs at her aunt’s place, and the aunt says “He didn’t keep up his part of the bargain, to die pining for you.” Hunt kind of chokes up a bit, and says, smiling, “Was that too much to ask?” Then they laugh about it. I want to get to the point where I can laugh about it. Where I can say “I don’t care that you caused massive pain, self-doubt and hurt in my life. Just go off and be happy.”

Except, that is kind of what I did when I released him from my life. Which brings up another point. Universe?? WTF??? I ask you to make Ex happy and less than 48 hours he’s going on a date?!? I’ve been asking you to make me happy for six months!!! Where’s my frigging knight in shining armor?? You and I are going to have some words, do not mistake it!

So yes – I realize that I asked for this, that I prayed for this. And I am more than well aware that this is all for the better. I did not, nor do I ever, want to get back with Ex. And I also recognize that going on a date does not mean that he is happy. As is evidenced by this blog, I go on dates, and they don’t make me happy. I make myself happy with other things and friends. So yes, Universe, I am happy, and I really do wish well for my exes, all of them. But I’m just saying, sometimes getting what you ask for really bites the big one.

– Finch

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