Ugh

I honestly don’t have the time or energy to fill you in on the backstory of everything that’s been going on, but, suffice it to say, Jay and I were dating last spring, and I ended things because he was completely objectifying me and making me feel like I was nothing more than a pair of legs. A few weeks ago, he reached out to me, and I kind of blew him off. I felt bad for that (what am I, Jewish, with all this guilt??), so I reached out to him yesterday. We texted a bit and made plans for grabbing lunch this weekend.

Tonight, we were texting again when he straight up, out of nowhere asked if I had enjoyed the way we were having sex the last time we were dating (those whole 2 times in 6 weeks of dating). I was completely stunned. Like, unable to coherently think, stunned. Um, I’m sorry, we literally have not had voice to voice contact, nor have we seen each other since we broke up, but you’re already objectifying me and treating me like I am your sexbot??

I had brunch with T last weekend, and during lunch I was bemoaning the idea that I might never be with anyone again, since I didn’t think they would ever find me attractive. She was absolutely shocked. “I can’t even believe that you see yourself as anything less than gorgeous,” she said. “I mean, I just don’t understand how you see yourself as unattractive in any way, shape, or form. It’s as ridiculous as saying that the sun appears black to you all the time.” That was the third such conversation I had had recently with friends about my fears that I am not attractive enough to get a guy. I’ve even said that I absolutely do not fear that I am not smart enough or funny enough – for me, it all hinges on my attractiveness.

So really, why should I be surprised when the only guy I’ve opened up to in the last two years (since my divorce) treats me as purely a physical object, based only off my attractiveness? I’ve placed so much emphasis on wanting to be attractive to guys, so I have clearly attracted what I wanted, right?

I can not even begin to describe how disgusted I felt when Jay made that comment tonight. Like I wasn’t worthy of being wooed or won back or even spoken to appropriately – no, he’s here for my “hot legs and ass” so what more could I expect?

I’ve been trying to accept people as they are, and not project my own expectations and desires onto them. I really thought that I could do that with Jay. Okay, he’s a bit shallow and narcissistic, but we have great sex, so I just need to keep my feelings separate. You know what? When someone is so blatantly disregarding of my feelings, I can’t help but take it personally. I told him off, and ended the conversation, and I don’t plan on honoring our lunch plans.

But I’m not sorry that I reached out. Because this was clearly something I needed to learn, and maybe this was the only way I could learn it. If you continually put out into the Universe that you want to be valued for your body/looks, the Universe will give you that! The Universe will say, “Okay, you have no questions about your intelligence or compassion or humor, so here’s a guy who values you for nothing more than your body. That’s what you wanted, right?? For someone to validate your looks, and only your looks??” I get it now. Like a “Eureka” moment, I get it now.

Yes, I want someone to find me beautiful, but I want them to find ME beautiful – not just my body, or my smile, or my intelligence, or my witty comebacks – ME, the entirety of me. I want someone who wants the entire package of who I am. If someone can’t see past my looks to the greatness of me, than why would I want them in my life? Those are not people that I would be able to talk with until sunrise, debate why the Jedi were not as smart as they liked to think they were, cook new meals with, walk around downtown and rediscover our city, read books to, cheer at football games with. Those are people who only value my shell. And I can no longer tolerate those people.

– Finch

Advertisements

If I was a guy, we wouldn’t be having this conversation

I spent this past weekend in Chicago with my awesome pseudo-cousin, J-Mac (I have a lot of “J”s in my life, deal with it). I hadn’t been back to Chicago since Ex’s and my honeymoon, so it’s been more than a few years, and I needed some new memories of my favorite city. I spent the first day and a half walking around to my favorite spots, shopping, eating, and then J-Mac got there, and we got down to business.

J-Mac was one of my bridesmaids, and that was the last time I saw her, although we have spoken quite a bit since then. But still – we had tons to catch up on. She filled me in on her dating stats, I gave her the lowdown on Jay’s annoyingness, it was great. But at one point, I started feeling kind of guilty. I told J-Mac that I felt almost like I had been using Jay for sex. From the beginning, I hadn’t really been that into him, I wasn’t over-the-moon attracted to him, and we didn’t talk that much. But the sex was amazing and I hadn’t had any for so long that I was like a fiend getting my fix. I kept this dialogue up for long enough that J-Mac turned to me at one point and said, “So what if you were using him for sex?” She left it just like that, and I started pondering this. Was it really such a bad thing? I mean, I hadn’t led him on to thinking that I was more into him than I was, and aren’t a lot of relationships based on sex? That’s when I said it.

“If I was a guy, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I would’ve just said, ‘Yeah, that was hot, sex was good, but I’m moving on.’ And while I don’t want to be the equivalent of a misogynistic pig, I don’t think there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about saying that I like sex, and that while this guy was great for sex, he wasn’t really good for anything else.”

And it’s true – sex is a totally normal, valid form of physical contact, and as long as all parties are consenting adults, than why would it be weird to see someone just for the sex? Again, you’re not leading this person on, you’re not promising things that you have no intention of following through on – you’re just having some laughs and lots of mind-blowing sex. I don’t see anything immoral or unethical about that.

J-Mac just looked at me and smiled and gave me a hug. “I knew you’d get there eventually.” I love that girl. She knows her stuff.

– Finch