I always hear people talk about how hard it is to have a crush. You long for someone, but can’t (for whatever reason) tell them how you feel. I get that, at least to a certain extent. However, I think a crush can be liberating, even fun.
I’ve known this guy for pretty much my entire life, and there has never been anything between us. Nada, nil, zip. I only see him every few years, and each time I think, “Yeah, he’s cute. Oh, is that food over there?!? See ya later!!” Plus, I cannot even begin to believe that this person sees me in any kind of romantic light. It’s just not like that.
Then, during the holidays last year, we saw each other for the first time in 3 years. And I was properly distracted by seeing and catching up with other friends, so when he exclaimed how great I looked, I simply smiled, said “Thanks,” and moved on down the receiving line. However, throughout the night, we kept talking and catching up and realizing that we had a lot of things in common. And there was this… energy between us. Yes, I was buzzed, and I’m sure he was too, but still. I couldn’t recall having felt like that in ages. Every time he looked at me, I just smiled. I wanted to be next to him all night. I could feel him watching me when I spoke to other people, and I was absolutely giddy when we got to spend a few minutes alone. Nothing happened, but still – it was intoxicating.
However, I left the next day, full of daydreams and little else, and it was fine. I got a couple of nice fantasies out of it, and then I moved on with my life without another thought. But then we saw each other again recently, and it was like we were instantly back in that moment.
I knew he was around, but I saw him unexpectedly, and when we caught each others’ eyes, his face just lit up. We were instantly in this little world all of our own, just chatting about inconsequential nonsense. This person has to be charming for a living (luckily, he’s very good at it), and I know a lot of it was just his nature, and you know what? That was okay. In fact, as we went on, I realized that I didn’t need him to be involved in my crush. This was about me, about how I felt. Someone close to me remarked later that I liked him because he was safe and comfortable. And my response was, “Duh!!” There are worse reasons for liking someone. And when you’re getting back out into the world, maybe crushing on someone who you feel safe and comfortable with, but with whom you know there is really no future, is a good idea. Maybe it’s about making yourself feel safe and comfortable with being out there again.
He left a few days later, and that was it. Nothing happened, no tabloid moments here. Last September, when I was going through my “Catcher Crisis,” Tripp told me to stop taking everything so seriously and to just have fun. I remember yelling, “Who the hell is having fun?!? I’m not having fun! THIS IS NOT FUN!!” But you know, I have to say, these last few visits with my guy? They’ve been, well… fun.