Be careful what you wish for…

I just finished reading Eat Pray Love, and I was feeling very magnanimous and open with the world. So as I was trying to meditate the next morning (rather than getting dressed and ready for work), I decided that I needed, as Liz did in the book, to formally let go of Ex and Tripp. Yes, I realize that divorcing Ex was a pretty clear way of letting him go, but still – I wanted to do it spiritually as well as legally. I said “Tripp. Ex. I release you both from my life, from my heart and from my soul. I pray with all of my heart that you find happiness and that you you heal from any wounds I may have caused, accidentally or intentionally. Please go forth from my life and be happy.”

You know what really sucks about letting go? You are now thinking about this person. I had laughed about it just a month ago – why was I so caught up in Tripp getting engaged when we’ve been broken up for ten years, and I didn’t really think twice about Ex, even though we were marries for four years, and it had been only six months since our divorce. The very next night, I got the bright idea to text Ex. Because I missed him. Because I had “let him go” and put thought towards him.

So we start talking, and we’re having a fine conversation, and I’m telling Ex about this blog when…

“Would you be alright if I went out on a date?”
“Well… yeah. We’re divorced, you don’t really need my permission.”
“And we can still be friends?”
“Nope. You’re dating now, I hate you, there is no way we can be friends.” I was only half joking.

In reality, I wanted Ex to feel every last bit of pain and remorse that I went through; I wanted Ex to go through every second of heartache. You remember that movie Twister? When Helen Hunt and her aunt are upstairs at her aunt’s place, and the aunt says “He didn’t keep up his part of the bargain, to die pining for you.” Hunt kind of chokes up a bit, and says, smiling, “Was that too much to ask?” Then they laugh about it. I want to get to the point where I can laugh about it. Where I can say “I don’t care that you caused massive pain, self-doubt and hurt in my life. Just go off and be happy.”

Except, that is kind of what I did when I released him from my life. Which brings up another point. Universe?? WTF??? I ask you to make Ex happy and less than 48 hours he’s going on a date?!? I’ve been asking you to make me happy for six months!!! Where’s my frigging knight in shining armor?? You and I are going to have some words, do not mistake it!

So yes – I realize that I asked for this, that I prayed for this. And I am more than well aware that this is all for the better. I did not, nor do I ever, want to get back with Ex. And I also recognize that going on a date does not mean that he is happy. As is evidenced by this blog, I go on dates, and they don’t make me happy. I make myself happy with other things and friends. So yes, Universe, I am happy, and I really do wish well for my exes, all of them. But I’m just saying, sometimes getting what you ask for really bites the big one.

– Finch

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Add a little Spring to your January

Pictures?? What? Are you reading the right blog? Yes, indeed, there are pictures attached to this story. Look how pretty! As stated before, when the dark days of January start to weigh on me, I need light, lemony, happy recipes. I can think of nothing simpler than a risotto with some lovely spring veggies to brighten my day. This comes together so quickly, and it is infinite in what you can add to it.

Risotto Primavera

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This was the wine that I was going to use in the risotto, but there was only enough for one glass, so I drank it instead.

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This is the wine I ended up using in the recipe. A little sweet, but I love Rieslings! Use about 1/4 cup.

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My ingredients, excepting the Parmesan cheese and the vegetable broth.

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My appetizer, as I was chopping and getting everything ready. Goes great with white wine!!

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The shallots in the olive oil.

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Now with a little bit of broth and the wine.

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The chopped up asparagus and sugar snap peas, with the cheese in the background.

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I also forgot to photograph the lemons once they were all zested and juiced. They looked more than a little beat up after they added their awesomeness to the rice!

Recipe –

1 1/4 cup of Arborio rice
2 tablespoons of olive oil
About 3 1/2 cups hot vegetable broth (you can use chicken broth too – I just liked the veggie taste)
About 1/4 cup of white wine
1 large shallot, chopped
About 1/3 lb of asparagus, chopped into 1/2 inch pieces (only until you get to the woody bits)
About 1/2 cup sugar snap peas, chopped into 1/3 inch pieces (or smaller if you get carried away)
1 lemon, juice and zest
About 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese

Heat up vegetable broth, either in a pot or on the stove. Have it simmering by the time you pour the wine into the rice.
Heat up olive oil in a heavy bottomed pot. Add chopped shallot.
Allow shallots to caramelize, about 5 minutes.
Add Arborio rice to onions and olive oil. Stir to coat rice with oil, about 3 minutes.
Add wine to rice. Stir until just soaked into the rice.
Add about 3/4 cup of broth. Stir constantly until the rice has absorbed the broth. Repeat with the remaining broth.
With the last bit of broth, add asparagus, sugar snap peas, lemon zest and lemon juice to rice. Keep stirring!
When the last of the broth is absorbed, add about 1/4 cup of Parmesan cheese, and stir through. Serve immediately.

This makes about 2 or 3 servings, depending on how hungry you are, and how much you indulged in the chips while you were prepping.

– Finch

I don’t exactly remember his name

If you tell me this has never happened to you, then you are a liar. I met this guy online, as you do, and we emailed a few times. He had one of those email addresses that made it obvious that he only used it when responding to CL ads. It did not have his name, there was identifying information, and even the “nickname” part that shows up only showed “N.”

We had made plans to meet up one day, whilst I was in the middle of my dating marathon earlier this month. However, I had triple booked my plans, and I forgot that I was supposed to meet him. He later claimed that he had forgotten as well, but I wonder if that was a “Before Sunset”-esque ploy to seem as if he had not been stood-up. He emailed me a few days later and said that we should perhaps text so as to not forget our plans as easily the next time. I agreed, but suggested that I might need his name (he had never supplied it) before I gave my number. He literally sent back an email that looked like this – Name – 123-456-7897 (obviously I’m not putting what his real info was). Against my better judgment, I responded with my number.

Well, in a fit of post-New Year cleanliness, I was clearing out my emails, and I accidentally deleted the email with his name in it. So when he texted me the next day, saying simply “Hey, what’s up?” I knew it was him, but could not remember what his name was. We texted some trivialities back and forth for a couple of days, but I was always busy, and I had pretty much gotten my dating fix, so I was pretty set for a little while. I just didn’t want to expend the energy to go out with this guy.

So here’s where it gets ridiculous. One of my friends, CJ, HATES that I post on CL, and she frequently harps on me about this, as well as for her strong dislike of Tripp. We were hanging out one night, and Tripp texted me, and CJ attempted to steal my phone so as to respond to Tripp in a “not so nice” way. Well we were playing around, and I stole her phone, and we ended up actually taking each others phones home that night. The next morning, N texted me “what are you doing today?” Only CJ thought that it was Tripp, so she told him he had the wrong number and blew him off. When we met the next day to switch our phones back, she told me what she had done. Laughing, I looked at my messages and saw that Tripp’s previous text was still there.

“If you deleted his thread, why is this message still there?”

“What?? That wasn’t the number that I deleted!”

“Well that’s Tripp. So who did you delete??”

“I don’t know!!”

So now I’m in this place of having someone text me, I don’t remember his name, and I’m not particularly interested in meeting him. Why did I give him my number again??

– Finch

Quick thought…

For years, I have always owned the fact that I was one of a kind, that I was unique out of everyone in the world. So why did I think that every single guy I met would/should fall in love with me? Doesn’t it stand to reason that someone who is utterly unique and one of a kind would need someone who was just as special and awesome?

Hold out for what you deserve – it is better than you can even imagine.

– Finch

Dream Journaling – I want to ride the wave!

So last night, I dreamt that I was in this kind of lagoon/bay with a few people (none who I know in real life), and I was on a HUGE orange surfboard. The lagoon was very calm, but we swam over this very deep trench which had cold water rising out of it, and my board was so big that it kept dragging me down. But I was determined to not get left behind by my peeps, so I kept kicking and caught up with them. Then we decided that it was time to actually surf, so we got out of the lagoon, and walked through this ridiculous maze of a building to get to the other side of one of the cliffs that housed in the lagoon – that was where the waves were. But even though we walked forever, and we could tell that we were really close – we could hear the waves crashing, we could smell the salty air – I woke up before we got there.

Hmmm…. am I maybe holding onto something which is dragging me down? Am I going after a goal which is just out of reach? Am I almost there? Give me some insight!!

– Finch

Your hair may not define you, but it is part of the dialogue

My FBB (fake big brother) recently commented that he liked my hair better when it was a darker red – it’s more of a strawberry blonde now. This threw me into a complete tailspin, where I felt the need to ask every single person I knew what they thought of my hair, whether they liked it better dark, and whether they thought my hair matched my personality.

Seriously.

When I got home, I brushed my hair out and looked at it. It had been a pretty dark red/mahogany for around 18 years. There was some change in that time, but no one could say in that time that it was not some form of red, and it never went lighter than an auburn. I had explained to my FBB that after the nearly two decades of redness, my divorce, and my lack of dating success, I felt that the blonding was a good way to break away from who I was, and become the new and improved me. He understood that to a point, but he felt that I was trying to be someone that I was not.

No duh!!!! The person that I was was not someone who I wanted to be anymore. I have some pretty great characteristics, but I also have some not so great ones, including my penchant for obsessing constantly about EVERYTHING in my life. Guys, do not feel that all of my attention is based on you, oh no; I will similarly obsess over my job, my friendships, my health, my general disposition. And I would like very much for this to stop. I don’t like that I go to everyone for their advice and their insight – I would much rather rely on myself for wisdom and strength.

I like my newly lightened locks. I feel that they soften my features, make less of a contrast with my constantly pale skin, and are just more interesting than my one shade red. It is indeed a much different look than I have sported in the past, but 1) it’s just hair; and 2) change is a good thing. Sometimes you need to change yourself on the outside to recognize the changes that are happening on the inside.

People are always telling me to lighten up. I doubt that this is what they meant, but I’m going with it.

– Finch