If I was a guy, we wouldn’t be having this conversation

I spent this past weekend in Chicago with my awesome pseudo-cousin, J-Mac (I have a lot of “J”s in my life, deal with it). I hadn’t been back to Chicago since Ex’s and my honeymoon, so it’s been more than a few years, and I needed some new memories of my favorite city. I spent the first day and a half walking around to my favorite spots, shopping, eating, and then J-Mac got there, and we got down to business.

J-Mac was one of my bridesmaids, and that was the last time I saw her, although we have spoken quite a bit since then. But still – we had tons to catch up on. She filled me in on her dating stats, I gave her the lowdown on Jay’s annoyingness, it was great. But at one point, I started feeling kind of guilty. I told J-Mac that I felt almost like I had been using Jay for sex. From the beginning, I hadn’t really been that into him, I wasn’t over-the-moon attracted to him, and we didn’t talk that much. But the sex was amazing and I hadn’t had any for so long that I was like a fiend getting my fix. I kept this dialogue up for long enough that J-Mac turned to me at one point and said, “So what if you were using him for sex?” She left it just like that, and I started pondering this. Was it really such a bad thing? I mean, I hadn’t led him on to thinking that I was more into him than I was, and aren’t a lot of relationships based on sex? That’s when I said it.

“If I was a guy, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I would’ve just said, ‘Yeah, that was hot, sex was good, but I’m moving on.’ And while I don’t want to be the equivalent of a misogynistic pig, I don’t think there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about saying that I like sex, and that while this guy was great for sex, he wasn’t really good for anything else.”

And it’s true – sex is a totally normal, valid form of physical contact, and as long as all parties are consenting adults, than why would it be weird to see someone just for the sex? Again, you’re not leading this person on, you’re not promising things that you have no intention of following through on – you’re just having some laughs and lots of mind-blowing sex. I don’t see anything immoral or unethical about that.

J-Mac just looked at me and smiled and gave me a hug. “I knew you’d get there eventually.” I love that girl. She knows her stuff.

– Finch

They’re supposed to happen organically

I was celebrating my 4th in classic girl style (sunbathing) and texting with Dan when it finally came – the invite over to “hang out.” Now this would only be our second time seeing each other, and I was not about to jump into bed with him, but I am also not an idiot (or a nun). There was going to be some action. I ran home, showered the smell of pool off of me, and headed over.

Yes, he was still as cute (if not cuter) than I remembered. Yes, the heat and the chemistry were still very much there. He met me at the car, we kissed, we went inside, and there was an incredibly hot make-out session up against a wall, with my leg wrapped around his waist and all kinds of groping. When we finally came up for air, I gently pushed him back. “Yeah, we’re doing a great job of behaving ourselves.” He laughed, took my hand and led me to the couch, where we sat and talked for a little while. It was great – comfortable, easy, fun. Then, in a classic guy move, he began to tickle me, which turned into more making out, which turned into some serious heavy petting on his part, and made me an incredibly happy woman (twice)!

But then he lost points. It would have been impossible to not tell that he was excited, and I had already begun to think about how I would help him out in that department, when he said, “You know, I can’t stop thinking about you being on your knees.”
“Do you want to see if the expectation matches the reality?”

So, I went down, and he was a happy man, and that was all well and good. But for some reason, something kept bugging me the rest of the day. Let me qualify – it’s not as if I went down and then he kicked me out; nothing like that. I hung out for a further two hours, we watched Jeopardy (I won), we chatted, we cuddled… But there was an awkwardness in the air. It was not until a few hours later when hanging out with B that I was able to put my finger on it.

In the midst of retelling my story (yes, girls tell each other everything), it suddenly dawned on me. “You’re not supposed to ask someone for a blowjob! They’re supposed to happen organically!” B wholeheartedly agreed, and we continued to dissect the afternoon’s activities.

Let me say, I’m not saying that one can never ask for a sexual favor. However, I do feel that maybe you should be in a more established relationship before you get to that point, and maybe there is a better time and place for it than when and where Dan asked me. Because wouldn’t we have both been happier if it had happened organically? He wouldn’t have felt like it had to be requested, and I wouldn’t have felt like he was rushing me to do something which I was maybe not yet ready for. I also don’t think that sex should have negative emotions surrounding it – it should be be something which feels good and right, and once you start coloring it with guilt, regret and other negativity, it ceases to become quite as fun.

We’ve talked several times since then, and we’re meeting up in a couple of days, so we’ll see what happens. I actually have a date (today!) with someone else from OKC, so who knows how this will all end up. I won’t say that it’s been nothing but angels and hearts, but this is definitely a lot more fun than I’ve had in years!

– Finch

And sometimes they surprise you…

A few days after my exquisite date with Dan, and following many text conversations, I began to wonder if I had done the right thing. I was looking for something more than a sexual relationship, and perhaps by going as far as I did that night I gave him the wrong impression.

Now trust me, this was not some random thought which just popped into my head. We had been texting about some different sexual situations and what we would do in them, so there was fuel for the fire. In the past, I would have had no problem turning into the Ice Queen and freezing him out – complete disappearing act. However, after the craziness which I felt when Catcher did that to me, I decided not to give karma a reason to smack me upside the head.

I sent Dan a message through OKC, telling him that I was so sorry for having given the wrong impression of what I was after, that I was looking for something more than just sex, and that I needed to walk away now. But I did thank him for a lovely time, and relayed that I had obviously enjoyed myself with him.

Now, after that kind of message, the response I expected was something akin to “Fine, you’re nothing but a tease, and I don’t want you anyway.” So when I saw his response pop into my inbox 20 minutes later, I was braced for utter disappointment. Instead, this is what I got:

“I am so sorry that I gave that impression. I actually feel sick reading this. I do not want something based solely on sex. I can see that we went down a sexual path too soon, but that was due to sheer excitement. If we were able to better control ourselves, would you reconsider? I have greatly enjoyed our conversations, and I think you are totally worth it, and I don’t want to lose someone so perfectly amazing. Please let me know what you think.” (and yes, that is directly quoted)

To say that I found myself in a state of shock would be putting it mildly. I would never, never, have expected that response, and I was absolutely overjoyed with it. I messaged him back, we started texting again, we saw each other a few days later (that is a whole other story!), and it’s been like a fairytale ever since.

I think that we get so used to disappointing situations that we begin to expect them to be the norm, and it becomes more and more difficult to recognize good when it is right in front of us. Now I’m not saying that this guy is a prince, or anything like that. There are already reasons why I won’t be spending the rest of my life with him. But it gives me hope to see that there are still good guys out there, guys who possess kind hearts and sexual attraction in equal measure. Someone very close to me always says, “Life is too short to not be adored.” I gotta tell you, after a week of being adored, I could get used to this!

– Finch

Do you trust me?

I know it’s been ages since I was here and that you’re anxious for me to get on with the story. However, I need to post a bit of a warning here. Some of the people who read this are people I look in the eyes, and I would like to continue to do that. So I won’t be going into graphic detail about some things that happened. No, I did not have sex on this date, but I did have the benefits of having had sex.

Now that my readership has tripled based on the above line (ha!), onto the story. I met Dan on OKcupid. Yes, I had given it up back in February, but I decided to get back out there and try again. I’d been on for about a week when I met Dan. He was complimentary, cute, active – everything I was digging. We messaged for a few days, exchanged numbers and texted for a couple of days, then we met.

We met up at Cenote on Cesar Chavez (great place). I got there first, got myself a beer, and went over some things for a move I have coming up. Dan arrived about 15 minutes later.

Now, I had thought he was cute in his pictures, but… Wow. Just wow. I was very happy I had shown up on this date. I do have to make one mention of something quickly. When texting the day before, Dan had asked if it was bad that he kept wondering how I kissed. I laughed, said no, but warned him that I had not kissed anyone since September, and that I might need some practice (yes, I did know exactly what I was doing).

So he came up to me, gave me THE most amazing hug, told me how beautiful I looked (something he would repeat throughout the night) and sat down. We chatted, we’re having a great time. He bought a round, and we played Q&A back and forth, which is my favorite game. At one point though, he said, “I’ve been meaning to do something.” With that, he reached across the table, took the back of my head in his hand, and kissed me.

This is maybe the most incredible first kiss I’ve ever had. It was sweet and tender, but there was a strength behind it… Just amazing. We kissed for maybe 30 seconds, then broke off. “Okay, you just exceeded every expectation I had.” I asked if that was in a good way. “Oh yeah, definitely.”

We moved over to this cute little couch, and continued Q&A while kissing intermittently. Let me just say, at this point, we’re into the second hour of this date – don’t think this all happened in 15 minutes. Well, they started closing the place down, but neither of us was ready to go. “Hey, they have those picnic tables outside, and it’s cooled off. Why don’t we sit out there.” He agreed, we moved.

So here’s where we get a bit wild. Our kissing had gone progressively into making out, and it was getting more aggressive on both of our ends. An hour or so after we went outside, we were both straddling the bench, facing each other. We had just been kissing, and he had his hands on my knees. He said, “I have four questions in a row for you.” I laughed, and said okay.

“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.” He moved his hands up to mid thighs.
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.” He moved his hands to my hips.
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.” He moved one hand between my legs.
“Do you trust me?”

Yes, I am going to pull a Seinfeld here, and yadda-yadda-yadda over the best part, but wow. It was amazing and… Wow. Now, let me just qualify, it was after midnight, the place was closed, there was no one around. I wasn’t traumatizing children or anything. But I have never done anything like that on a first date, in a public place. It was electric.

After that, we went back to our talking, making out, talking, making out pattern for another hour. Summoning every ounce of will power I possess, I did not ask him to come home with me. He walked me to my car, we kissed, we said goodnight.

And yes – I did hear from him the next day, and we are getting together again. That article may end up being nothing but yadda-yadda-yadda.

– Finch