I just don’t feel like I’m there with you

So from the same CL listing that brought me the fleeting joy that was Catcher, I was able to snag another fish. Long after all of the responses had come in, I received another one, incredibly long, with a picture. I was feeling pretty bored, so I went ahead and read through it.

OMG. This guy was perfect. 6’4″, 250, former football player. Played for Miami in college, Kansas City Chiefs in the pros, a little NFL Europe, had amazing dreads and tattoos. He waxed philosophically about string theory, and discussed the complexities of rap in today’s world. I was hooked.

We email back and forth for two days – as in, 48 hours. We then exchange phone numbers so as to text each other (he lived about 75 miles away from me). I had told him that I was going to be packing for my trip to San Francisco, so texting would be easier for me. Now, this was a Tuesday night, and I was not leaving until Thursday morning. This will become relevant soon.

One of the first things he texts me is this little picture which says “Don’t chase people. Do you, work hard, and the people who are supposed to be in your life will find their way to you and stay there” (or something like that). It was truly exactly what I needed to hear right then.
“Thanks! Perfect message for me!”
“FYI… I fall hard.”
Um, what? I don’t know you. I understand falling in love with someone’s personality over the interwebbings, but please. We have only been speaking for two days. “Okay, well, I usually wait until I meet someone to fall for them, so…” “Oh yeah, me too!” Liar. Now I’m a bit weary, so my responses are not coming as quickly as possible. Finally he asks me to send him pictures and texts throughout the day while I am in SF so he “can feel like [he] is there too.” No. I am going on vacation to a city I have never been to and I will be with R, one of my best friends ever. I am not wasting my time texting someone I don’t even know.

The next day, I made all of my co-workers supremely jealous with details of what I was going to do, and where I was going to go whilst on my adventures. I completely forgot about football guy. Thursday morning I woke up bright and early to head to the airport. While I was waiting for my flight (I like to get there ridiculously early and hang around the terminal), I checked my emails and…

I just don’t feel like I am there with you, baby
Are you okay? I’m so worried about you! I haven’t heard anything and when I tried to call, I kept getting a weird message. Let me know you got there safe!

Oh wow. Now we’ve gone into crazy stalker mode. I don’t know why my phone would not let his calls through, but for the first time ever, it earned the moniker of “smart” phone. I deleted the email, determined to just ignore him, and went on my way.

Except that, when I landed in San Francisco, there were five text messages from him and three new emails. Well, both Verizon and Yahoo make it easy to block people, so okay, blocked! Good – I can now enjoy my vacation. Oh, what is this text from a new number? “I really miss you.” Guessing that is not from one of my friends, since none of them are creepy. And what is this email from an address I don’t recognize? Oh, it’s a picture of a teddy bear and a candle. “Already buying you gifts!” Okay, more blocking.

In the end, I only had to block three email addresses and the two phone numbers. And, thank the lord above, he never got my last name or a real picture of me (my face was pretty well blocked in the one I had posted). Is it any wonder I am crazy when these are the kind of guys out there???

– Finch

R is off the picking team

I think everyone has that friend or acquaintance who always has the best boyfriend. He’s super cute, incredibly nice, smart, etc., and they make the best couple ever. And every boyfriend that your friend has is better then the last one. So when that friend sends you a text telling you that she really wants you to meet this guy, that he’s funny, tall, cute, employed, you think, “Great!! Some of her awesome mojo is at work here, and she is going to set me up with someone as great as her guy.” Not so much.

So R asked me what I was doing on a Saturday night last August. She says that she really wants to me meet this guy who is friends with her boyfriend. He has every great quality imaginable. Then she adds, “I’m not saying I want you two to get married and have babies – I just want you to meet him.” Okay, I’m game. We set up plans for a double date/meet and greet the next day (Sunday) to watch some pre-season football.

I showed up in my cute summer go-to outfit (rolled up jeans, black tank top, black flip-flops, hair down and flowing), ready for game time.  Now, at this point in time, I was 29. So you can imagine my surprise when R walks in with her boyfriend (who could model for GQ) and a guy who looks like he’s 55, has a pretty dour expression, and gives off no personality what. so. ever.

Okay, I’m trying to show the Universe that I am making an effort. So we all sit down, we order some beers, we start chatting. Soon I feel like I’m on a game and/or dating show, with the way that R and her guy are hawing me to this person. “Finch is a really great cook.” “Oh yeah, the food at your party was so amazing.” “And Finch LOVES the West Wing. You really like the West Wing too, right?” “And aren’t you from Chicago? Finch can’t get enough of Chicago.” This continues with hardly more than an intelligent grunt from the (admittedly) tall gentleman next to me.

Finally, the game ends, and I am about to make my great escape, when – girl bathroom break. Okay, now’s the time for the talk. “What do you think about him? Isn’t he great?” Um, no. He has hardly looked at me the entire 3 1/2 hours that we have been here, he still looks like he is 55, his real job is not a real job, and while my expectations were a little high, I feel ridiculously let down. R did not at all understand my lack of enthusiasm, and that’s when I had to make the painful decision – R was off the picking team. Just because someone can find gold every single time they pan for it, this does not mean that they will mine gold for you. However this can be a bonus – when you meet someone, if this friend gushes about him, you know it’s not the soundest investment. Being off the picking team will only clear space for someone who understands what you want and need. Which is someone who does not look like they could be your father.

– Finch