A Change of Opinion

I recently got a quick punch to the stomach. Back to back, I came upon two different quotes/memes/sayings – the first said, “If you don’t know where you want to be in 5 years, then you are already there.” Immediately afterwards, I came upon this gem: “You’ll never leave where you are until you decide where you’d rather be.” Recently I had already been worried because I feel that I don’t have a passion in my life, something which drives me forward day by day, something which makes me want to greet the dawn with a sparkle in my eye every morning. So I’m already freaking out about this when the Universe bitch slaps me with these two sprinkles of truth. Thanks Universe.

I’ve spent the past couple of days trying to figure out a five year plan, trying to figure out what I should be doing with my life. I’ve analyzed my career choice, my friendships, my downtime activities, even my eating habits to see what changes I need to make. Of course, all the while, I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, so making changes with no end goal in sight is probably not the smartest way to go.

There’s a song that I absolutely love, called “Keep Breathing” by Ingrid Michaelson. I listened to this song ad nauseum while separating from Ex, while transitioning to my new job and leaving all my work friends behind, while dating (again, ad nauseum) Jay off and on for the last two years. The song always tells me that the only thing that is required of me in this life is to keep breathing. I don’t have to be the perfect daughter, the perfect wife/girlfriend, the perfect employee, the perfect friend – I just have to keep breathing, to keep pulling myself together to meet the day, if not with a sparkle in my eye, then at least with determination in my heart to soldier on. And while listening to this song on my walk with B this evening, I figured out what I want to be in five years.

I want to be a better version of me. I want to be smarter, kinder, more compassionate. I want more love, more hugs, more (and better) sex. I want to create art, and cook exotic meals at home, and travel to visit my loved ones more. I want to look back on my life and know that I am in a better place than I was. I may not know what that place is at this moment, but I think by consistently aiming to be the best version of myself, I will get there. And I will probably make it more quickly and in a saner place than I would if I was trying to fit my life into some generic five year plan.

– Finch

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