Mr. Creepy and Bait & Switch – My experiences with eHarmony

As I mentioned previously, I recently joined eHarmony. I decided that it was time to go after a higher caliber of person, someone who was also looking for love as opposed to a roll in the hay (which is all well and good, but not what I’m going for long-term). I quickly found many eligible suitors, and less than five days after I had joined the site, I had my first date. And since it started off with him being creepy, let’s just bestow that moniker now – Mr. Creepy.

I met up with Mr. Creepy after work over at Austin Java. I was a few minutes late (in reality, I was planning on bailing, but then I felt bad about standing him up, so I drove back downtown to meet up). When I got there, he stood up and gave me perhaps the creepiest first hug ever. It was one of those where he was holding me, and I actually kind of patted his back, like “okay, you can let go now.” Let me just say too, we hadn’t really talked much before we met. We went through the basics on eHarmony, and then on the first email, he asked me out, so there really wasn’t any conversation before hand to establish a rapport or flirtation. We went inside to grab a drink, and I offered to pay since I had been late. He didn’t acknowledge it at all (at least not until after the date), and then he ordered a $6 smoothie! And seriously, a smoothie? He had stated on his age that he drank socially, and I had ordered a beer. If you don’t want something alcoholic, that’s fine, but get a tea or an Arnold Palmer – a smoothie is just a little too weird for me. Anyway, we go back to sit at the table and wait for our drinks (also, you never have to wait when you order a beer. A smoothie though, you have to wait for that.) So we begin talking, and it is pretty obvious pretty quickly that there is no chemistry here. Or, at least, that’s what I thought was obvious. Clearly he missed the memo, because he kept holding my hand, and even when I would pull it away, he would wait perhaps 90 seconds before he would reach for it again. Finally, citing errands, I made my escape, but not before he planted two of the creepiest, soft-mouthed kisses ever. Less than 30 minutes after I had left, and a mere five minutes after I had made it home, there was a message waiting for me – “I had such a great time. Thanks for the smoothie. Let’s do that again soon.” Um, no – you had tiny hands, you moved way too quickly, and you were just creepy. Pass.

With Bait & Switch, I was really excited to meet him. Unlike Mr. Creepy, Bait & Switch and I had been talking online for several days, and had even had a 40 minute long phone conversation. We had tons in common, he repeatedly told me how awesome he thought I was (showing that he had good taste), and I really liked a lot of the details I was learning. In fact, after our first phone conversation, I actually called M and told her to mark the time and date, because I was pretty sure that I had just talked to my future husband. So we met up over at Cenote the night after I met Mr. Creepy. We had seen pictures on the site (he was VERY cute), but, as I got there first, I sent him a text telling him that I was in the back wearing my sunglasses on my head. Please imagine my surprise when a guy who bears little, if any, resemblance to the pictures on the site shows up and sits down. I almost told him, “I’m sorry, I’m waiting for someone,” thinking that this was some random guy. NOPE! It was Bait & Switch. The guy in real life looked about 40 pounds thinner (and not in a good way), had some crazy teeth, his hair was completely different, and even the shape of his head was not the same. I am not joking, I seriously think that the picture was of his brother – certainly related, but no way is that the same guy. Okay, I tried to look past the physical, since we did have all of these other thing sin common. But the conversation just wasn’t really flowing, and I wasn’t really feeling much. So then this happened – we were discussing Star Wars, and he kind of laughed, and said, “It is so cool that you like Star Wars. My ex was the complete opposite. She was such a spiteful bitch, she would never watch the movies with me.” Um, okay… Look, I recognize that Ex and I had one of the more amicable divorces that exist, and I also recognize that divorce can be a wretched, horrid thing to go through. But I’ve known you for approximately 30 minutes in real life, and less than a week by any definition, so I don’t really think you need to unload your hostility about your ex right now. If that had been all he said, I still would have been a bit offended, but I would’ve let it go. But no, he kept up his tirade throughout the rest of our date, at various interludes. That, coupled with his obvious use of either a super old picture, or a snapshot of someone else, completely soured me on him.

Just in talking to a lot of people about their eHarmony experiences, it seems that there are many people on the site who are jaded or cynical, who have tried everything else, and this is their last resort, so they’re pretty sour about it. If that’s the case, I’ll just bow out now. There’s no way that this is my last chance at happiness and I am not that desperate for companionship. These guys can keep each other!

– Finch

Do you trust me?

I know it’s been ages since I was here and that you’re anxious for me to get on with the story. However, I need to post a bit of a warning here. Some of the people who read this are people I look in the eyes, and I would like to continue to do that. So I won’t be going into graphic detail about some things that happened. No, I did not have sex on this date, but I did have the benefits of having had sex.

Now that my readership has tripled based on the above line (ha!), onto the story. I met Dan on OKcupid. Yes, I had given it up back in February, but I decided to get back out there and try again. I’d been on for about a week when I met Dan. He was complimentary, cute, active – everything I was digging. We messaged for a few days, exchanged numbers and texted for a couple of days, then we met.

We met up at Cenote on Cesar Chavez (great place). I got there first, got myself a beer, and went over some things for a move I have coming up. Dan arrived about 15 minutes later.

Now, I had thought he was cute in his pictures, but… Wow. Just wow. I was very happy I had shown up on this date. I do have to make one mention of something quickly. When texting the day before, Dan had asked if it was bad that he kept wondering how I kissed. I laughed, said no, but warned him that I had not kissed anyone since September, and that I might need some practice (yes, I did know exactly what I was doing).

So he came up to me, gave me THE most amazing hug, told me how beautiful I looked (something he would repeat throughout the night) and sat down. We chatted, we’re having a great time. He bought a round, and we played Q&A back and forth, which is my favorite game. At one point though, he said, “I’ve been meaning to do something.” With that, he reached across the table, took the back of my head in his hand, and kissed me.

This is maybe the most incredible first kiss I’ve ever had. It was sweet and tender, but there was a strength behind it… Just amazing. We kissed for maybe 30 seconds, then broke off. “Okay, you just exceeded every expectation I had.” I asked if that was in a good way. “Oh yeah, definitely.”

We moved over to this cute little couch, and continued Q&A while kissing intermittently. Let me just say, at this point, we’re into the second hour of this date – don’t think this all happened in 15 minutes. Well, they started closing the place down, but neither of us was ready to go. “Hey, they have those picnic tables outside, and it’s cooled off. Why don’t we sit out there.” He agreed, we moved.

So here’s where we get a bit wild. Our kissing had gone progressively into making out, and it was getting more aggressive on both of our ends. An hour or so after we went outside, we were both straddling the bench, facing each other. We had just been kissing, and he had his hands on my knees. He said, “I have four questions in a row for you.” I laughed, and said okay.

“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.” He moved his hands up to mid thighs.
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.” He moved his hands to my hips.
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.” He moved one hand between my legs.
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”

Yes, I am going to pull a Seinfeld here, and yadda-yadda-yadda over the best part, but wow. It was amazing and… Wow. Now, let me just qualify, it was after midnight, the place was closed, there was no one around. I wasn’t traumatizing children or anything. But I have never done anything like that on a first date, in a public place. It was electric.

After that, we went back to our talking, making out, talking, making out pattern for another hour. Summoning every ounce of will power I possess, I did not ask him to come home with me. He walked me to my car, we kissed, we said goodnight.

And yes – I did hear from him the next day, and we are getting together again. That article may end up being nothing but yadda-yadda-yadda.

– Finch