Go Speed Racer

This is exactly the opposite of what I was describing that I wanted in my previous post. I got a message late last night from this guy on OKcupid. He said that my profile made him smile and that I was “completely adorable” (it’s true – I am). I checked out his profile, liked what I saw and messaged back. Now, I will just say, I am really good at the dating site messages. I reference at least one or two things I see in the guy’s profile, and I either hint at a story that I think they’ll like, or I ask leading questions based off of their interests. I’m a pro. So I did the same for this guy – Speed Racer.

I get a response seven minutes later saying, “Do you like to text?” Um, we’ve literally exchanged one message each. I’m not really comfortable 1) with giving you my number, and 2) with allowing a complete stranger to have that kind of immediate access to my time. Don’t get me wrong, I text with lots of people, but it’s not my favorite thing in the world. I think texting should be relegated to small pieces of important information – “I’m on my way,” “Can you talk?” “Do you want me to pick up something for dinner?” – or for when you are unable to talk (like when you’re at work). But I really dislike having complete conversations with people through text. If you want to talk to me, pick up the phone and call me. Which brings me back to this – Speed Racer and I have exchanged one message online, so what would we be texting about?

I replied that I only texted when I couldn’t avoid it. Again, he responded immediately (under two minutes) and said, “Then how are we going to talk and flirt?” Um, dude?? You see how we’re messaging each other right freaking now?? We can continue to do that. I actually didn’t respond for a couple of hours (I was running errands) and when I did, I said, “You can’t talk and flirt through OKC’s message system?” He responded before I could even get off the site to say that yes he could, but it was a little slower than he preferred.

And that’s where I stopped talking to him. I have no idea if this guy is a psycho or is in massive need of therapy or is just desperately lonely, but you have been monitoring your email/messages so closely that you haven’t even gone a quarter of an hour before responding to me, even when I have taken a few hours’ break, and that is moving too slow? Were you expecting to propose on our third date? Sorry, been there, done that 😉

I get that a lot of people get frustrated with online dating and how you can email with someone for weeks and then everything just falls apart and you never meet, and you feel like you wasted all that time. I totally understand that. In fact, at the beginning of October, I was messaging with this guy on OKC (yes, while I was dating Jay), and we messaged back and forth for probably three weeks. But we could never get our schedules to match up, and neither one of us was really putting any effort into meeting up, so I finally just drifted off into oblivion. But I don’t think that the logical response to that is to speed everything up at a ridiculous pace. I don’t think I would give someone my number after just two minutes of talking to them, which is essentially what Speed Racer’s and my messages accounted for.

The only responses that I could think of to Speed Racer’s comment that OKC was too slow were all snarky and/or sarcastic, and not in a cute way. I actually don’t think that I will be responding at all. Speed Racer seems like a nice enough guy, but all I want in my life right now is to slow down. I don’t think I’m up to Speed Racer’s speed.

– Finch

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Allergic to cold-weather dating

Let me just be blunt – I HATE cold weather! I don’t care if it’s cold and rainy, cold and clear, cold and windy; the operative word in all of those descriptors is “cold” and that word and I do not get along. This is one of the (many) reasons I live in Austin. We think 65 degrees is cold. So, wouldn’t you know it, a massive Arctic front pushed through yesterday, the second one in as many weeks.

I was trudging through the wind to my car last night, thinking how nice it would be to go home, and snuggle up under the covers with someone and fall asleep wrapped in some nice, warm arms, when it suddenly dawned on me – I have never dated anyone (successfully) through the winter. I’ve been married during the winter, but we all know how that turned out, and I can tell you, there was a definite “chill” in our relationship during those months, and it was all me. I just do not find anything romantic in cold weather. My hands and feet get freezing cold no matter what, so snuggling isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. My nose gets red and runny from the temperature and wind, so I look like I have a perpetual cold – totally sexy, right? I’m much more interested in dressing for warmth, and I hate running outside, so my body is not in the greatest shape during these months. Also, I can never think of anything fun to do when the weather is this horrid – go for a walk? No. Go to a museum? That would mean walking to and from my car (so really, go anywhere is out). Stay inside by the fire? Fires make messes and are dangerous. I do like to cook when it’s cold out, but, again, that necessitates going to the store for ingredients and that means going outside.

But, back to my relationships… Tripp and I started slowing down right around mid-October. Ex and I would always slow down for winter and pick up again when it warmed up. Most of the rest of my relationships have begun in the spring or summer, and were over well before the first frost. Even Jay – I joked with him that I liked him because he kept his AC so low in the summer, but that once it got cold outside, I wouldn’t need him anymore. One week before the first Arctic front, he was kicked to the curb. And, interestingly enough, the holidays don’t play into these dating trends. I’m a great gift-giver and I’m pretty good with receiving gifts as well, so I’ve never had an issue there. I don’t stress over meeting parents or introducing guys to my parental units. It’s SOLELY AND COMPLETELY the temperature!

Ugh. I’ve never looked forward to spring more.

– Finch

If I was a guy, we wouldn’t be having this conversation

I spent this past weekend in Chicago with my awesome pseudo-cousin, J-Mac (I have a lot of “J”s in my life, deal with it). I hadn’t been back to Chicago since Ex’s and my honeymoon, so it’s been more than a few years, and I needed some new memories of my favorite city. I spent the first day and a half walking around to my favorite spots, shopping, eating, and then J-Mac got there, and we got down to business.

J-Mac was one of my bridesmaids, and that was the last time I saw her, although we have spoken quite a bit since then. But still – we had tons to catch up on. She filled me in on her dating stats, I gave her the lowdown on Jay’s annoyingness, it was great. But at one point, I started feeling kind of guilty. I told J-Mac that I felt almost like I had been using Jay for sex. From the beginning, I hadn’t really been that into him, I wasn’t over-the-moon attracted to him, and we didn’t talk that much. But the sex was amazing and I hadn’t had any for so long that I was like a fiend getting my fix. I kept this dialogue up for long enough that J-Mac turned to me at one point and said, “So what if you were using him for sex?” She left it just like that, and I started pondering this. Was it really such a bad thing? I mean, I hadn’t led him on to thinking that I was more into him than I was, and aren’t a lot of relationships based on sex? That’s when I said it.

“If I was a guy, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I would’ve just said, ‘Yeah, that was hot, sex was good, but I’m moving on.’ And while I don’t want to be the equivalent of a misogynistic pig, I don’t think there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about saying that I like sex, and that while this guy was great for sex, he wasn’t really good for anything else.”

And it’s true – sex is a totally normal, valid form of physical contact, and as long as all parties are consenting adults, than why would it be weird to see someone just for the sex? Again, you’re not leading this person on, you’re not promising things that you have no intention of following through on – you’re just having some laughs and lots of mind-blowing sex. I don’t see anything immoral or unethical about that.

J-Mac just looked at me and smiled and gave me a hug. “I knew you’d get there eventually.” I love that girl. She knows her stuff.

– Finch

So that’s a date…

After Friday’s oral adventures, I was a little hesitant about what was going to happen with Dan next. He and I were supposed to get together on Monday, and after texting a bit, we decided to hang out at my place. However, I was freaking out about having Dan in my apartment, wondering how he would act with my pup, whether it would be awkward (generally, freaking out in a very Finch-like manner). Thank all the heavans, he had to work late, and we decided that it would be easier to meet up at his place.

So I made the long trek up north, got there, and… got a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Wait, what?? You’re not pushing me against the wall? Are you mad at me?? We sit on the couch, we chat, we talk dinner options (he had offered to cook for me or take me out since I had made the drive over to his place). He decided on this (awesome) little Italian place which had some of the best Neopalitan pizza I’ve had in ages. When we got there, we sat and… talked. You know, like about our days, and what we had done over the weekend. And he was telling me about heading over to the lake with some friends, and that we should go there together sometime. It was all so normal, and easy. I was seriously waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Then we went back to his place, so here’s where I’m expecting the physical stuff to begin. Except, no, we started watching The Avengers, and we just sat there on the couch. Now, let me be clear – he had his hand on my leg, and I was leaning against him, and halfway through the movie, I laid down and he put my legs in his lap (where it was clearly obvious that he was in an excited state), and he kept rubbing my legs, but other than that, nothing. This was so far outside of my realm of understanding, I fianlly had to say something. We were near the end of the film, when I asked, “So are you practicing to be a saint?”
“What?!?”
“Well, I haven’t even gotten a kiss from you tongiht. Did you get your fill of me last week?” For those of you who are rolling your eyes at my stupidity, please understand that I said this with a smile and a teasing tone.
“Shut your mouth. You know better than that.” With that he kissed me. “I’m just trying to show you that I’m not all about the sex.”

I laughed, kissed him again, said okay, and we finished the movie. After the film, we sat there for a little while, kissing so lightly – they were probably some of the sweetest kisses I’ve ever experienced. Then I said I needed to head home, and he walked me to my car, again kissing me so sweetly that it was intoxicating.

My experiences in dating have either been guys that I was friends with for months first, so the only thing that changed was the physical aspect, or guys that I just slept with. Going on a full-on dinner and a movie date with someone is so outside of my wheelhouse that I almost don’t know how to react. For those of you who this is your normal dating routine – I better not ever hear any whining out of you. You are lucky beyond belief. Then again, I seem to be having pretty good luck right now too.

– Finch

They’re supposed to happen organically

I was celebrating my 4th in classic girl style (sunbathing) and texting with Dan when it finally came – the invite over to “hang out.” Now this would only be our second time seeing each other, and I was not about to jump into bed with him, but I am also not an idiot (or a nun). There was going to be some action. I ran home, showered the smell of pool off of me, and headed over.

Yes, he was still as cute (if not cuter) than I remembered. Yes, the heat and the chemistry were still very much there. He met me at the car, we kissed, we went inside, and there was an incredibly hot make-out session up against a wall, with my leg wrapped around his waist and all kinds of groping. When we finally came up for air, I gently pushed him back. “Yeah, we’re doing a great job of behaving ourselves.” He laughed, took my hand and led me to the couch, where we sat and talked for a little while. It was great – comfortable, easy, fun. Then, in a classic guy move, he began to tickle me, which turned into more making out, which turned into some serious heavy petting on his part, and made me an incredibly happy woman (twice)!

But then he lost points. It would have been impossible to not tell that he was excited, and I had already begun to think about how I would help him out in that department, when he said, “You know, I can’t stop thinking about you being on your knees.”
“Do you want to see if the expectation matches the reality?”
“Yes.”

So, I went down, and he was a happy man, and that was all well and good. But for some reason, something kept bugging me the rest of the day. Let me qualify – it’s not as if I went down and then he kicked me out; nothing like that. I hung out for a further two hours, we watched Jeopardy (I won), we chatted, we cuddled… But there was an awkwardness in the air. It was not until a few hours later when hanging out with B that I was able to put my finger on it.

In the midst of retelling my story (yes, girls tell each other everything), it suddenly dawned on me. “You’re not supposed to ask someone for a blowjob! They’re supposed to happen organically!” B wholeheartedly agreed, and we continued to dissect the afternoon’s activities.

Let me say, I’m not saying that one can never ask for a sexual favor. However, I do feel that maybe you should be in a more established relationship before you get to that point, and maybe there is a better time and place for it than when and where Dan asked me. Because wouldn’t we have both been happier if it had happened organically? He wouldn’t have felt like it had to be requested, and I wouldn’t have felt like he was rushing me to do something which I was maybe not yet ready for. I also don’t think that sex should have negative emotions surrounding it – it should be be something which feels good and right, and once you start coloring it with guilt, regret and other negativity, it ceases to become quite as fun.

We’ve talked several times since then, and we’re meeting up in a couple of days, so we’ll see what happens. I actually have a date (today!) with someone else from OKC, so who knows how this will all end up. I won’t say that it’s been nothing but angels and hearts, but this is definitely a lot more fun than I’ve had in years!

– Finch

Quote-athon

In the middle of my Dan-induced happy phase, I had a date, which had already been scheduled, and which I definitely did not want to bail on. This guy is 6’4″, looks very similar to Tripp, and seemed to have the same sense of humor (are you already sensing where I’m going with this?)

We’re going to call him Dante, if, for no other reason, than he was as good as me at quoting every single Kevin Smith movie (well, the good ones, anyway). Dante showed up at the bar where we were meeting, and there was an instantaneous lack of sexual chemistry. Not that I was disgusted by this guy, not at all. But there was no desire whatsoever to kiss him or do anything more. I didn’t even care if I was attractive to him, which I think made for even more fun on both of our parts.

We started drinking – we’re both exploring the world of beer right now, so we had fun exchanging notes, trying each others’ choices, and discussing pros and cons of beer vs. liquor. I actually don’t remember how we got onto the subject, but at one point, he brought up Mallrats, and from that point, it was on.

I truly think we spent the next two hours speaking in almost nothing but movie quotes. We relayed how different movies had affected our lives (Chasing Amy very much formed a large part of high school for me), we discussed future Kevin Smith projects, and then… we branched out to Star Wars.

Now, from a conversational point of view, I was having one of the best dates of my life. There was not a single awkward pause, there was instant understanding on anything we said, there was definite respect on both of our parts for the other’s knowledge and intelligence. But still… no sexual chemistry.

R asked me back in September why I kept talking to Tripp after everything which had happened between us, and I responded that when we weren’t screwing everything up by bring sex or love into the equation, he was one of my dearest friends. Tripp has been there for me in some of the darkest times in my life, and he has been there without judgement. When I missed Tripp, I didn’t miss the time we had spent dating – that was ten + years ago, and I had been 20 then. I’ve grown in my desires and my expectations since then. What I missed was our friendship, the instant understanding, the perfect meeting of minds. And it seemed that I had found that in Dante.

We both had friends coming into town for the 4th, so we decided to meet up again the next week. Here’s the thing – I don’t know how to have the conversation that I want him to be my friend, and only my friend. I mean, we met on a dating website. If we had just met in person, then I think it would have been easier to segue into that. Either way, the next guy who goes on a first date with me has some very large shoes to fill!

– Finch