Identity Flux

So I had this incredibly clear message yesterday that I needed to quiet my mind, relax and meditate to find my path. It was actually a little bit like the Universe was hitting me over the head with a blunt instrument, or speaking to me as if I were a small child. But, regardless, I got the message. Here’s the thing – I don’t really know how to meditate.

I don’t know any chants, and my mind is too restless to just quiet itself. So I started by identifying some very basic information about myself, hoping to work my way to more complex issues. My name is _________________. I am 30 years old. My birthday is _______________. I am divorced.

And then I stopped myself. Why do I self-identify as “divorced”? After I had gotten out of previous relationships I did not describe myself as “broken-up with,” “dumped,” or even “dumper” (although “breaker-of-hearts” may have been a title I tossed around sarcastically every now and then). But still, after every previous relationship I have had has ended, I have gone back to “single.” But “single” means something different to me now. I do feel as if there should be a new title for me. Perhaps “independent” or “individual.” I would rather not get all 1984 and go “citizen.”

Another issue was my hair. When doing this exercise in previous years, I literally used to identify myself as “redhead.” That was a very big part of my identity. It helped me to clarify my personality and my attitude. I used to joke that I had been dying my hair red for so long that all personality attributes normally possessed by a true redhead had become mine. But I no longer feel that I can identify that way. I don’t even call myself a blonde. When cleaning out my car this morning, my hair still looked pretty orangey in the sunlight. I wouldn’t mind thinking of myself as a blonde, but it would have to be a very Hitchcockey type of blonde. Cool, classy, together – very Grace Kelly. Alas, my quirkiness cannot be contained, and I cannot stay in prolonged contact with my inner Grace.

Finally, I tried work. “I am a legal assistant.” But I’m not. That’s what I do, but even then, my job goes above and beyond regular legal assistant duties. I would love to qualify myself as a writer, and I think to a certain percentage, I do. However, I am not published – other than this blog – and I do not write every day. I do feel as if I express myself best when writing – although, to me, speaking is writing out loud, so I’m not too shabby there either!

So while I seek to quiet my mind and find my path, I will keep some simple truths in mind. Who I am. How old I am. When I was born. The fact that I love deeply, and am loved deeply. After that… well, I guess we’ll see what my psyche has to say!

– Finch

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