Mmm mmm bad

About a week ago, I came to the conclusion that I did not need to do the online dating thing anymore. I just was not meeting anyone who was compatible to me. The guys whom I found attractive were all partiers and players, and the guys whom I did not find attractive – well, I didn’t find them attractive! I am not a shallow person, but it is important to me that I have some sort of physical attraction to the person I’m dating. Otherwise, we might as well just be friends. So yeah, decision made, no more online dating.

Except, there was this guy who I had been emailing outside of OKcupid. I had responded to his email about a week before, never heard back, chalked it up to my obviously great taste in men, and went on my merry way. Except, on the day that I make my bold decision, he emails me back. My email had gotten lost in his spam folder. So I take this as a sign from the Universe that I need to not give up so easily, and I need to give this guy a shot. I have come to discover that it was actually the Universe saying, “Oh yeah? Are you really done? Let’s see, shall we?”

I rushed home to get ready – shower, get all dressed up, full hair and makeup. This guy had been killing it on the emails. He was totally on the same nerdy wavelength as me, had similar tastes in movies, etc. I was pretty stoked to meet him, I will admit.

And then he arrived. And I was no longer stoked. I take a sense of pride in that I can find something attractive in everybody. Tripp terrified me when I first met him, but he had such great eyes and such a nice smile, that I gave him a shot and fell in love. With Ex, I wasn’t swooning when we first met, but, again, he had beautiful eyes, a great smile, and he was very kind. He won me over. There was nothing that I found redeeming about this guy. There was nothing about him that I found physically attractive – for the first half of the night, he kept looking at me as if I was a bug underneath a magnifying glass (he later switched to leering at me), he continually interrupted me, and he just gave off this smarmy, creepy vibe.

We get some drinks, we sit, we talk. After I finish my drink, I start trying to make excuses to leave – “Well, I’m feeling a little tired.”
“Yeah, I was so tired today. There must be something in the air. So where do you like to hang out?”
Okay, no luck there. I waited for him to give me an opening.
“Would you like another drink?”
“Oh, no thank you, I’m fine.”
“How about something to eat?”
“Oh no, I’m good. I’ll probably need to head home soon.”
“Yeah, homes are awesome. Let me tell you another inane story about my house, and proceed to bore you to tears.” (Maybe he didn’t actually say that. Maybe that was all I could hear.)

Finally, after 2 hours, I was able to say, “I have to leave now.” So we leave, and as we’re walking out, he does that “bump against me, arm to arm” thing. And my immediate response was to step away from him. Then, he kept trying to grab my hand, and I kept finding ways to look through my purse, grab my keys, etc. We get to my car, and I swiftly evaded the oncoming kiss with a hug, where he literally grunted “mmm, mmm” as he hugged me. As in “mmm, mmm good,” like I’m freaking Campbell’s soup or something. I do the “Well, I’m really busy for the next few days, but maybe we can get together sometime and watch a movie.” Yes, I realize it was not nice for me to throw out a possibility when there is none, but I just wanted to get out of there as soon as humanely possible.

Because here was the thing. Every single quality that I disliked in Ex was plainly visible in this guy, and every redeeming quality about Ex was absent. The thought of waking up next to him literally made me shake, and not in a good way. A friend recently told me that you should find someone who loves you more than you love them. I don’t think it’s wrong to want to be with someone who you are absolutely crazy-go-nuts for. I know plenty of couples who are equally wild about each other, and there is nothing wrong with that. You can be adored by someone whom you adore. You can be respected by someone whom you respect. I don’t think that people should go into situations with preconceived notions or strident requirements. But to want to experience that spark is not too much to ask.

So my OKcupid account has been deleted. No more online dating – I am checking out the real world. The next time someone bumps against me, hopefully my reaction will be to bump them back.

– Finch

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